Swakopmund statue Namibia. Tug Restaurant.

“Sometimes you must guard the heart, hold on tight and be your own companion.”

I don’t know why I feel like this. It was never supposed hurt this much or last this long.  It was never supposed to be this serious. I’m a soldier, how did my heart become so fickle again? I was in beast mode how did this happen? Was I not paying attention? Were there signs that I missed, again? Why did I have to be so……human?

I don’t get this. Why is there a dark cloud floating over my head? Where is the sunshine you promised? Wait! That piece of sky that’s been following you around looks very familiar – it looks like the one I gave to you. You took it from me in the midst of my storm and now your own stars are aligned. I don’t mean to be possessive but you’re gonna have to give it back! Look at your beautiful self. Walking away like I never mattered! I’ll wait for you to remember.

My friends don’t get it. You were flawed but perfect. I could compromise and handle your beautiful and your ugly. They told me to be ‘more patient this time.’ I thought that’s what I was doing. Snap, now they think it’s me again. They won’t say it but I know they think it’s me. But it’s not me, it was never me, it was US.

My family doesn’t understand. What’s happening with our baby? What’s going on in her head? Why doesn’t she want this in her future? But I DO! That was the whole point of having YOU. My grandparents were so excited. How do I break their precious hearts? Breaking hearts doesn’t come naturally for some of us. Maybe you should teach me……Sorry, I’m being mean.

I’m sorry I failed Me again. I keep failing everybody else each time I fail myself.

I was here struggling to figure out what to do with myself when all I need to do is apologise- to ME.

You: Don’t be moved! Continue on your nonchalant path. I will remain here and be fine. Walk away beautifully. You are beautiful, by the way!

Peering through the clouds I see my Lioness in the distance. The suns rays at the edge of the clouds obscuring my vision. She is days or weeks away waiting for me to become Her again…I will become Her again.

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