I came across a picture of a person having to choose which masks to wear as a facade. And I thought to myself, “Why is it so hard to tell the truth and live the truth of who you are?” Why do I have to be so choosy about who I let in and who I don’t!? Why do I have to be so ‘staged’ sometimes?
Showing people your true colours and who you really are is supposed to be easy but in such a judgemental world where do you start? People go on about how they love you for you but when the truth comes out they can’t handle you anymore and they disappear. But wasn’t it me you wanted!?
We are so afraid of people seeing us when the mask is off, the makeup wiped away, the tears flowing and the heart and mind an open casket.
We want them to see us when we are in perfect form. We want them to know us when we say the right things, talk the right way, and speak the right language. We want them to know that we are strong and we can take it and they can learn from us! They can rely on us because we have it all figured out. If they knew we were falling apart, they would look down on us, so why should they know?
For one, they can’t handle the truth. I mean the sheer number of people in my life who said they would be there through thick and thin, when things were thin that population became very small. It’s easy to be a friend when the situation is within your comfort zone. When the plot thickens and you’re thrown out of that zone, thats when your friendship is truly tested. Your loyalty!
The number of people who, once they found out I wasn’t the poster-child for perfection, walked away, is saddening. Others don’t walk away per say but they make it a point to be the judge and the jury of my life. I think those are the worst! I’d prefer the person who can’t handle and leaves. I guess I can respect that. But those who stick around to now infiltrate and bring me down from inside these wall!

While they were focusing on me I was focusing on my future…

Surprisingly I’ve gotten this from much older women who I made the mistake of clinging to when my mom died. I was young and very gullible and when you’re that age you need a replacement. Of course no one can ever replace her and I knew that but I needed something, anything and so I opened my heart to the wrong types. And those types attempted to destroy me. When I say destroy, I mean when someone wakes up in the morning, knowing the mission is to build a wall between me and a decent future. I mean it was callous rumour after rumour about the most damaging things! The proverb, ‘ there is no smoke without fire,’ well I learnt that sometimes there’s just smoke because there are people who will invest their time and energy into ruining you even if you haven’t done anything wrong.

I am not perfect nor will I ever be in this lifetime but for someone to rope me in and then use my tears against me; because I trusted you!? Would it have killed you to just let me be?
I know there are people still waiting in line to say, “Aww maybe if her mom was still here she would’ve turned out better,” or, “Such a disappointment to her dad!” I would like you to know, because I know this will reach you, eventually, that I cannot and will not allow that to ever happen! My life may have ups and downs but you will never get to see me become the person you wanted me to become…..
God is Truth so only He can fully handle me in my true form.
*Don’t become a liar but know who to tell your truth to*

EAK

estherkatonga

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