In her blogpost ‘They Mishandled My Truth‘ Esther A Kat spoke about how you meet people and once they get to know you, sometimes they can’t handle your truth. There’s one of two ways it can go – they walk away and let you be, or – painfully – they stick around, infiltrate your world and bring you down in the end. She talks about how we often put on a mask as a facade and become selective about who we let in, protecting ourselves. She asks the people that hurt her, “Would it have killed you to just let me be?”
I, personally, have done it many times. Put on a version of me I feel someone might like best. But it’s exhausting constantly playing someone else. Someone once asked me why my relationships never seem to work out and at the time I said I couldn’t do the whole relationship thing and that commitment wasn’t my cup of tea. But the truth is – I’m afraid they wouldn’t be able to handle my truth, that they’d make me fall in love and decide I wasn’t for them. So I let them go before they can hurt me.
This isn’t coming from a place of insecurity. It happens and has happened. You meet a person that breaks down your all your walls, gets you to trust them, to love them. Then they lie and they cheat and pick you apart piece by piece – drawing out your flaws, leaving this space, a hole. One they opened, filled and then vacated. When they found you happy and content in your ‘single’, what gave them the idea to turn your life upside down? Why? Men do it, women too, but that doesn’t soften the blow or make it easier to understand.
I’m still fresh off such a break up. I didn’t want this guy in my life and told him as much when he pursued me. I was finally getting over someone and I didn’t need to be getting hung up on someone new. He insisted he would wait till I was ready, fulfilled every fantasy I had on what a perfect guy is and eased all my doubts. I thought maybe just this once it might work and he might be the one, so I gave in. I showed him my truth. I trusted him and saw myself loving him in the future. I gave him the most sacred parts of me and he didn’t just let me down, he broke my heart, tore me apart and didn’t even have the decency to tell me it was over once he was done with me. He just avoided me and ignored me, leaving it so I would figure it out on my own – that it was over. He couldn’t handle my truth. But because it hasn’t worked out with whatever girl he left me for, he’s just decided we are back to what we once were. Like he owns me and he can do as he pleases with me. I’m just supposed to go back to being his faithful girl, the one that takes it as it comes and doesn’t fight back. But that girl never was me anyway. I wore a personality I knew he needed. I brought myself down to push him up. Because his ego needed it, he couldn’t be with a woman with a personality stronger than his. But it’s too late now. I’m bitter, broken and beat down – someone I never was or ever wanted to be.
So to him I ask – Would It Have Killed You To Just Let Me Be?!